Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
