her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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