oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
