All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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