I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
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