I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
