I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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