um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
