Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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