I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
