he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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