So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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