i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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