We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
