Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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