I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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