I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just invented taco cereal.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
