apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
