Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
