His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
