I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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