It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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