Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
