Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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