my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
