I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
