You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
