i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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