it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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