Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
