I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
