life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
