my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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