I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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