i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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