Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
