I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.