Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
