I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
