I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
