You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Randomize
