They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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