I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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