you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
