Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
