Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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