Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
bring money and cleavage
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
When are your genitals available?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
