At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
