Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
