She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
