someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
