my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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