He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
3pm strippers are depressing
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
