Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
