somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
